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my life as a fractured fractal :: trying to force-produce a post, unedited, straight from my mind
There is a simple but profound beauty in orderliness, a place for everything and everything in - or approaching - its place.
My place, my apartment, has been so disordered for so long ... it breaks my brain, it makes it hard for me to focus and think. Or maybe that's the meds my doctors have me on. Still, after (calculates painstakingly) eleven years. Oh, my choice here, pain or brain.
It's really hard to break the ... entropy? momentum? hmmm. The right word, it escapes me.... ~stay tuned for the the Find Your Right Word game, hosted by the Goblin King, I wish~
It's really hard to break out of the rut of not communicating, not posting, not sharing my thoughts. Not thinking.
Still no kitties in my life. Almost adopted a pair of baby-cats this past week, but another candidate for cat-mom beat me to it. Now I need to decide if I should go back to sticking to my plan of waiting until my clutter is under control, my storage library lined with bookshelves, new kitchen floor and new fridge in place...
Or go ahead and bring little fur-bods back into my life amidst the chaos of cleaning, organizing, straightening, and renovation (the last with workmen stomping around, in and out, and running power tools). The redone bathroom (which sorely needed redoing) is done, and there's been a workman-free lull for the past month or so, but still. Not an ideal situation in the immediate future for bringing new furry little ones into the house.
On the other hand, just the possibility of kitties filled me with energy and initiative and I got more done in that few weeks that for months and months previous. So, sanity hanging in balance, as it always does with a cat-less cat person.
Other things ... my email is so clogged and cluttered that I'm not sure I'd even notice a new email entering my in box. Safer to comment here, even if you don't have an lj and need to use openID or something. Because I will obsessively check to see if anybody says 'hi' or otherwise comments to me ... does anybody even remember who I am, or have you just forgotten to weed me out of your flists from indifference.
Well, that was a pathetic cry for comments. Ignore or indulge as you see fit, yeah?
Fannishly, I've been pretty much lurking. I'm reading bunches and tones of fic, but failing to feed the writer even basic comments. And did you know that WorldCon was here in Chicago this year? I figured it out while reading David Hewlett's & Joe Flanigan's Twitter feeds as they got into town and made it to the hotel.
Yes, I keep track of the world via Twitter. Even though I seldom tweet. I blame my lack of cell phone, let alone cell phone texting ability, for that. And my recalcitrant computers. Who are mad, bad and difficult to deal with. They give me problems, they do, and I know not what to do to fix them. And fear possible big repair bills. And the diabolical Win-Vista, or whatever it's called. And I can't find the new backup harddrive I procured to use (aka backup things with) for before any repair visits. And I'm simultaneously procrastinating and just tired-tired-tired. /end digression
That actually makes the third time in the past however many years that I've been in/near the bid-winning town and totally missed attending the con. Or even noticing it was that weekend. Or is it the forth time? Chicago, Orlando, Chicago. Or was there another Chicago in there. I did get to one Chicago WorldCon ... but the concomm that won the bid this time is, I think, a totally different bunch of people.
Despite the meds, my health is no shakier than usual. My stamina is shot after a too-hot summer spent trapped indoors. And I'm (as mentioned earlier) tired all the time. Or staying up too late. Or, you know, both.
LSO is doing much better, she's almost back to normal. Or what passes for normal in my family. She now uses a cane or a walker all the time, while I seldom need a cane at home and have a rollator (roll-a-tor? and it may also need a little TM attached but I'm wanting bed before it's time to get up, so I'm trying to wrap things up and don't feel like digging out my little "how to" book that came with the Comfy Machine - yes, unresearched post, oh my - notice all the places where I could've linked back to something and didn't.)
Where was I? Oh yeah, LSO doing better. But she can't drive anymore and sold her car. We still have wonderful neighbors who would give her rides to places but mostly she hasn't taken advantage of the offers yet - I'm the driver now. Neither one of us gets to everyplace we want to get these days; my energy doesn't hold out long enough. Stamina. Need to resume long-abandoned walking program, it was quite effective back when I practiced diligently.
I think I've forgotten how to spell. And my typing speed is down from lack of practice. These things spur me on (I hope) to resume a posting schedule. (Crosses fingers.)
Time to stop the babble until later. I'm kinda afraid to read what I wrote above because of all that babbling. I need to vent fannishly about all the new shows that made me happy this summer, so I hope to be back soon. (Crosses toes, albeit metaphorically.)
fast drive-by in a black Impala
One thing you gotta admit - I gotta admit, anyway - is that even if the Winchesters bring on The Apocalypse, at least it'll have a bitchin' kick-ass soundtrack.
::sinks down to enjoy the tunes and the pretty boys::
cross-posted to Djinanna @ LJ, JF, IJ, DW, DJ via Semagic
'may you live in interesting times' - blessing or curse? discuss
So I haven't been around much lately - posting-wise, flist-wise, comments-wise.... I haven't even been Twittering, so those bizarre archival Twitter reposts haven't been showing up here. I have no idea what the fannish hot topics are right now, or even what the hot new fandoms are.
Wait, that last one is not completely true. I have been reading tons of fic (99% either Rodney-based SGA and Xander-based BtVS), and so I've seen a bit of Merlin fervor and Trek-Reboot fever. And I've also noticed that I'm not alone in my adoration for Burn Notice and Leverage. (Though so far I've waited in vain for the Psych/Sentinel fusion where Shawn is a Sentinel and Gus is his Guide. *le sigh* Recs, anyone?)
But mostly, I'm pathetically out of touch with fandom and with my flist. Over the weekend, I actually had to go to the VividCon website to make sure I hadn't accidentally missed the con. Of course, I may still have to miss it intentionally, but I still have my fingers crossed that I'll be able get there for at least one day. Maybe. I hope.
What I have been doing - ( not very long (for me, at least) but probably kinda boring in that 'other peoples problems combined with incipient hysteria' kinda way )
So that's why I've been awol from fandom and lj lately. And the situation probably won't improve too much in the next little while, though I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and my candles burning (figuratively when not literally) in the hope that things *will* start improving now, however gradually. ::knocks on wood, pressboard, formica::
All this and I still haven't brought any new cats into my life yet. Want kitty. NEED kitty. ::flails and pouts::
I have no idea when I'll post again. Hopefully soon but more likely it'll be a while again.
**waves in transit**
This post for two things. Quickly, because it's gonna be a busy day for me and this is probably the only time I'll have until *late* to post anything.
1. Testing cross-posting to my new Dreamwidth account. And yes, I'm Djinanna there, too.
2. Wishing my Ben (kc_risenphoenix) a happy-happy birthday.
( ... click for prezzie ... )
Just a little (semi-incoherent) rantage to get me started back in the swing of things.
So I only listen to the radio when I'm driving. And mostly I listen to Air America. And they have a news/weather/traffic report every so often (regular intervals, yeah). And I heard this report (paraphrased by necessity due to my sad-sad memory):
(Somewhere I didn't hear) a fire started in a nature preserve. The fire covered/destroyed approximately 100 acres. No one was hurt.
The sheer heedless humanocentric stupidity of that last sentence left me completely breathless for a moment, like I'd just been punched in the stomach. It was weird, really, how *hard* that hit me. Because-
"No one was hurt." No one was hurt?!?!?!
WTF, news reader! WTF, news copywriter! WTF, world!!!
Even assuming that only a tiny bit of the nature preserve (nature preserve
, people!) was affected, that still means a figurative ton of critters whose protected habitat was destroyed and whose lives were lost. Plus whatever critters were on theoretical non nature preserve-related land. Een if you wanna keep that humanocentric POV, well, think of the children! (Sorry, couldn't resist.) What I mean is, think of the ruined resources, the loss to future generations.
But, since I'm a fuzzy-critters-and-trees-and other-things-hugger, I can't help but think about the animals trapped by the fire, their terror and pain. That does not
equate to "No one was hurt". Just- just- think
, people. Think of the implications of the things you say.
Of course, as I'm typing this indignant little rant, I'm remembering (because I just can't help myself, seeing "the other side" is a curse/blessing I've dealt with all my life) that the occasional controlled burn-off is supposed to be good for land, adding charcoal to the soil and other organic material while simultaneously clearing out excess plant-life. (Not that that actually would matter to the animals living there, should you be qable to ask them.)
So, maybe, never mind? Or not. Because I'm unreasonal and want more than monolithic "think happy thoughts" single-POV news.
So anyway. Hey! I'm still alive, so how are y'all doin' out there? It's been a long time since I posted, let alone kept up with my flist (bad ljer, bad bad bad). I've been reading a lot of fic, compulsively almost, because the last few months life was pretty totally of the suck. Gonna try the positive-thinking fake it till you make it
method to try turning things around. ::knocks on computer components:: See ya soon, eh?
What else? Um, uh ... oh yeah: ♥ILU♥SGA♥; ♥ILU♥Rodney♥&♥John♥. You are missed - only not, since you live on in fanfic and in the hearts of fandom....
Also, Happy St Patrick's Day
. And, heh, party on, dudes! -posted to Djinanna @ CJ, DJ, IJ, JF, LJ via Semagic
my life as a hermit crab :: I'm hangin' in there (see below); how are y'all doin'?!
So, brief personal update time, way overdue, compliments of an IM poke by the amazing celli.
BOUDICA - my computer, that is, is getting older. She stopped working suddenly a couple weeks ago and I had a brief melt-down. At the local 'puter store the next day, I special-ordered a new battery (because, yeah, that's what was wrong) and was advised to try running her on her power cord but with the (bad) battery removed. Which worked - yay! - so, I haven't been without computer during that time. The battery came in earlier this week, I picked it up, and today I went looking for it to install it. And then I spent about three hours *looking* for the (of course, lost) battery before giving up and starting to sit down ... and my eyes wandered across the room as I sat and spotted the battery in its shipping box sticking out of a basket. *rolls those eyes* At least I got some housecleaning (aka organizing/decluttering) done during those three hours of searching. And Boudica's keyboard is *still* haunted - or maybe insane. Hail Eris, Hail Discordia...
Household stuff - the housecleaning (aka organizing/decluttering) mentioned above is an on-going project, actually a continuation of my oft-thwarted Spring Cleaning '98 that was interrupted multiple times by my cascading domino effect of variously debilitating illnesses. (Yes, last month was the 10th anniversary of my first getting sick. Messes with yr head, that does.) My friend K has been coming over on Saturdays for the past couple months to help me clean/organize - sometimes just to help my ADD self stay on track with the work. When the organizing is over (including much tossing of stuff - over 30 garbage bags so far), there will be a massive housecleaning-type thing (carpet shampoo-ing and scrubbing of corners and dust-busting of walls, etc). And then (hopefully) KITTIES!!! Because the place was (and currently still is) just too messy and stacked with boxes of books and catalogs and magazines and papers and other stuff... where was I? oh! ... too messy to inflict on new kitties.
New kitties - I've taken in a cat abandoned by neighbors who moved ... I've accepted a kitten from a friend's (aunt's) cat's litter ... I've kept kittens from my own cat's litter ... I've taken in abandoned/stray kitties ... and I even inherited one cat as the result of a broken marriage. But I've never gone out and deliberately picked and chosen between available kitties. Even though there's still a bit of time before it'll happen, I find myself intimidated by the notion. I mean - there are bunches of homeless kitties around you, how can you choose just one (or, actually, two in my case)?! Can I just tell 'em I'll take 'em all? Can I???
Family - auntie Helen is still in hopsital. She's having a hard time. Even at 89, she's always been stupendously active, but several weeks of being confined to bed (and getting an infection, probably from some hospital source) have really debilitated her. I'm an expert on that whole inactivity leads to debilitation thing, btw, since my myriad illnesses have knocked me off my feet more than anything else during the past 10 years. I'm still trying to rebuild stamina and muscle-tone from the last 2-3 times it happened. Anyway, we're still dealing with day-to-day changes in auntie Helen's status, we're not sure exactly when she'll be released from hospital, or how long she'll be in the nursing home facility, or even if she'll ever be able to move back to her independent living apartment or be staying at the nursing home. It's very ... freaky and disconcerting. Especially for LSO.
Family, continued - LSO is rather creaky and arthritic-feeling. She's also having a resurgence of her sciatica *and* a lot of pain in her hands/arms from using a cane. I'm not sure if she and I are more freaked out by auntie Helen or by her own debilitation. Sadly, we're used to me being all pathetic and inactive. Anyway, as a child of the Depression (or at least of Depression era parents), LSO has always been rather neurotic about money, so on top of her physical ailments, she's totally freaked out by the current state of the economy. If I could figure out a way to keep her from checking out the state of the stock market, I so would. But since she's in her apartment upstairs and I'm down here most of the time, I don't have a chance of it. All I can do is try to stay calm and talk reasonably about options - and occasionally irritate her with my mantra of take a deep, calming breath ... now another ... there, doesn't that feel better? If only she'd really *take* a few deep calming breaths from time to time, she'd be in much better shape. And speaking of things that send LSO 'round the bend...
The Weather, she is taunting us - cold. So veryvery cold. OMG cold. And snow. On top of ice. I'm verging on being frozen into the garage (and unable to roam about) *already* and it's still only mid-December. Talk about looking "forward" to a long cold winter. ::major frown-y face:: In close second place to $ in the freak-out-LSO list is definitely The Weather. And, geez, it's still only mid-December. ::repeats frown-y face::
Miscellany 1 - auntie Helen went into the hospital; the next morning, the amazing Jungian Judith (my shrink) called to let me know she'd be out of town on a family emergency. Her mum was in hospital after a stroke and not expected to survive. So, it's been two weeks since I've had my head shrunk and I'm holding up surprisingly well - but only because I know she'll be back soon. In fact, I need to return her phone call from t'other day when I was out and she'd gotten back in town and wants to confirm my appointment for Monday.
Miscellany 2 - am still looking for ideas of what to be when I grow up - send clues.
Miscellany 3 - there *was* a Miscellany 3, but now I can't remember it. I seriously want a nice crab dinner. Or maybe lobster. And a horse. Not to eat. I've fallen in love with the Gypsy Vanner (see icon). Oh! and a puppy. And a nice big colorful aquarium. And a housekeeper. And a swimming pool - or at least an exercise pool. And a personal trainer. And a few million dollars. And a big ol' house (or school or inn or something) to use alternately as a Pagan Community Center and a Fandom Mecca. And the structure to put my library in - every book with its own place on a shelf. And... I should stop before I totally demoralize myself.
Pagan life - very quiet. My friend K, she of the house project, is a fellow solitary eclectic but also acquainted with much of Chicago area pagandom. That's my pagan socializing these days. Maybe, if the weather stabilizes, I'll try going out and meeting people again. It's been long enough since the last time I did that that most of the pagan Chicago scene has had a major turnover. And right now I'm kinda involved with working in the house. Apartment. Whatever. But once that's done, omg, I may be able to actually have company again. Oooh, maybe a dinner party or something? (Note: the bit about socializing is also applicable to Fandom life.)
Fandom life 1 - fannish socializing - see Pagan life above. I've been *very* out of touch with lj and the flist lately. Stress makes me read fanfic (it's my teddy-blanket) and things have been rather stressful lately. Plus, I keep trying to trim or at least organize the flist - and end up, every time I try that, adding more friends. *shakes head sadly* I have no trouble *keeping* things - and way too much trouble letting things go. There may be a life lesson there.
Fandom life 2 - omg, those bastards cancelled my show! *WAILS* I'm incredibly upset about the cancellation of Stargate Atlantis - haven't been this upset since they canceled Buffy. And Firefly. And Brisco County Jr. And My So-Called Life. And Joan of Arcadia. And Highlander. And Cleopatra 2525 (I loved that show - don't you dare judge me, all you reality show watchers you!). And ... no, seriously, I find the cancellation of SGA to be incredibly upsetting, near or at the top of the list. At least I can console myself with Burn Notice and Criminal Minds and Psych and Bones and ... well, and so on and so forth.
Fandom life 3 - omg - Christian Bale as John Connor. Be still, my heart. OMG. ::hyperventilates::
Last minute thoughts - Tomorrow K will be back for Project Household. Maybe Sunday as well. So it'll be a few days before I get back on the computer again. But, um, I'm gonna stop now. I wanna read some fanfic before my work weekend starts. And SGA is on. Only three more eps after tonight. *sob* Now, Sanctuary is okay, I especially like all the long hair a certain SG1 actress has been reveling in and am riveted by the lovely Christopher Heyerdahl doing the psycho thing. I'm liking his crazy self a little bit too much.
Meme-ish offer - ask me a question and I'll try my best to answer. Or at least do something to try and distract you from my *not* answering.
[ cross-posted to Djinanna @ CJ, DJ, IJ, JF, & LJ via Semagic - woohoo! ]
this is so not good, you can't even *see* good from here
So my Crazy Aunt Helen had emergency surgery this morning to repair a hole in her stomach caused by flu-inspired excessive and violent coughing. She's 94yo, if I'm remembering correctly. Normally, she's the healthiest of my immediate family; she walks everywhere in all but the most severe weather and just generally has enough energy to run me and LSO into the ground 3 times over. However, she's been dealing with the flu for almost a month now, and this last week she's been struggling with some nasty side effects from the meds her doctor prescribed for her, so she's pretty much wiped out.
Any good vibes, healing thoughts, and/or prayers you can spare are welcome and also probably needed.
I'll be over in the corner, fretting.
my life as an estivating critter, take 3000 :: drive-by posting
- I'm still around.
- I managed to read my flist once or twice over the weekend - obviously improvement is needed, but still go me!
- I reactivated my NaNoWriMo account but haven't started writing - and am not even sure if I will.
- Friend K has taken on the project of helping me get my apartment in order (the Big Belated Spring Cleaning Project, started circa 1998) and we've made visible progress, though still with a lot to go.
- I'm getting ready to head out for my weekly session with the amazing Jungian Judith (we've switched back to Monday, yay!).
- LSO is feeling her age - and the family legacy, aka arthritis - quite a bit lately; so far, I'm mildly concerned.
- Tomorrow is Election Day here in the USA; I'm anticipatory, hopeful, fearful, ready for it to be over, fingers crossed.
- Thinking about stuff to write about later ... maybe NaNoWriMo will end up just being LJ posting. At least it's writing, yeah?!
________________ cross-posted to Djinanna @ CJ, DJ, IJ, JF, LJ via Semagic
rambling through my brain; also, welcome to autumn
[posted on LJ yesterday but posting delayed elsewhere]
I hope everyone had a nice Autumnal Equinox.
After a rough start (I woke up feeling *blech* and hurting all over and went right back to bed to sleep away the morning), I finally started feeling better in the early afternoon. It was a beautiful day out but I still ended up trashing all my plans for the day and enjoying it through the picture window in my living room. Windows open, though it got a bit hot for me - tomorrow looks to be a/c time again, for me at least.
I still don't have new kitties in my life yet. I've been achy and low-energy all summer and the house cleaning/de-cluttering is creeping along at a glacial pace. I find myself very much groking that old saying, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I also find myself having peaks (troughs?) of depression where I deeply miss sharing my space with furry little bodies. I'm still missing Max insanely - I've had personal notes from not one, not two, but *three* different vets at the clinic he went to, expressing sympathy for my loss, plus they made a donation to a vet school in his name.
I've been pretty much avoiding LJ, except for reading fic, so I haven't read my flist in way too long. On the one hand, I miss you-all, on the other, it's very hard to wade back in to try getting back into things. I'm gonna try anyway, but suspect it's gonna be a halting stop'n'go type operation for a while. I guess you can "watch this space" if you want, see how I'm doing. ::crosses fingers::
LSO has been feeling pretty yucky the last couple months. Arthritis has really set in on her and so far I haven't had any success getting her to go to a rheumatologist. We're both way stubborn. She is heading off to the doc tomorrow for what seems like a sprained finger. A worrisome sprained finger, as it's been bothering her for over a week. Not how long it's taken me to get her to go to the doctor.
The presidential election is looming in the near future. Obama isn't my idea candidate, but he's light years ahead of the alternative. Honestly, McCain and Palin scare the crap out of me. Much more of the policies of the fundie neo-con power mongers and I don't think anyone will recognize the chewed-over remains they leave behind. Ideologically, environmentally, etc etc, they're gutting the Constitution, the environment, the economy and whatever else they get their fingers into.
The new television season is ... a post for another day. Gotta leave something to talk about later, gotta get to bed soon.</p>
my life as dust in the wind
Random Thought #1
The movie Constantine just started on cable. No matter how often I see it or remind myself that Keeanu plays Constantine, I persist in seeing, in my mind's eye, My Perfect Casting. Which is Callum Keith Rennie. I mean, how awesome would Constantine have been if they'd just had CKR as the lead. Pretty damn awesome, that's how. Also, I'm gonna miss the end of the movie (this viewing) so's I can see the repeat of Eureka. Eureka is definitely one of my happy places.
Random Thought #2
And speaking of happy places. I find myself desperately wanting to spit in the face of every executive at MGM and SciFi. And stomp on their insteps. And ... and other things. My show!!!!! Oh, my show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *weeps*
Not-So-Random Thought #3
If the cancellation of My Happiest Happy Place, aka My Show, aka Stargate Atlantis, were not enough to induce spitin'n'stompin' RAGE in me, then the whole demographics trope would. Because SciFI (and SF) is obviously guy stuff. And the only way women will watch is if the show is a soap opera. And the only way teenagers will watch is if it's a young'n'sexy cast doing 90210-style soap opera. And there must be a focus on characters. So let's cancel the show with the characters that viewers (whatever their age and/or gender ID) love and toss together a new show with characters we don't know and...
*R*E*T*U*R*N* *o*f* *R*A*G*E*
Life really is pain. And then the bastards cancel you. *pouts* Of course, I could end being shown up by TPTB producing another SGA-level fannish love for me. Just, I'm thinkin', it's not really all that likely, is it.
Um, yeah. More later.... ~cross-posted per usual~
my life as a solitary estivating critter :: four, five - still alive!!!
Yes, I really am still around. Well, not so much with the flist lately, more main-lining fic. Part of the post-kitty grief process.
Still trying to do the grand housecleaning / organizing / sorting / filing / weeding-out project. It's going slowly because of my current lack of stamina - and also my post-graduate work in applied procrastination, in which I'm pretty much ABD.
No new kitties yet. I am lonely. House is lonely. Kitties will come after grand housecleaning-etc project. Sometimes I think that'll never happen.
Gotta go now. Physical therapy this morning. Yay?
ps ... I seem to have screwed up and will not be attending VividCon this year. Or getting the DVD. ::major frown-y face:: I actually can't afford the full VividCon experience anyway (this year, due to misc sudden/unexpected expenses), but I'd enjoy coming out for some visiting and maybe lunch/dinner. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?
Repeat - anybody interested in getting together for a visit, dinner, whatever at VividCon this weekend? I'm fairly close to the hotel via expressway (wouldn't want to try to walk it even in excellent health), so it's not a big deal getting there.
For that matter, any of Chicago area fandom want to get together with me sometime? I have no kitties and no face-to-face fandom activities, aka I've gone a bit stir-crazy. Lonely ... loooonely ... looooooonely....
pps ... x-posted in the usual places
And best wishes to all those dealing with the recent flooding in Iowa and
other parts of the Midwest. We were very lucky this time in Chicago proper.
FYI, the links lead to a summary of areas affected and some discussion of a fannish fund raiser. x-posted, et cetera, et cetera
my life as an empty nester :: I don't like living alone
Many thanks and much gratitude to those who commented on my last two entries, those dealing with the death of my beloved Max. The sympathy and kind words were much needed and much appreciated. I do want to reply to each of you individually, but now that I'm finally ready to deal, I'm in a minor time crunch, aka I need to get back to bed now and tomorrow (later this morning?) is my regularly scheduled head shrinkage plus assorted errands. So anyway, soon.
This is the first time since (counts on fingers) 1980 that I haven't shared space with cats. It's - weird.
I'm doing pretty well in general, except for those random moments when I think I see Max out of the corner of my eye - or expect to see him in some particular situation, And occasionally I'll be distracted and momentarily forget he's gone, then get a little gut punch when I remember. Like, earlier this evening, I had a "need kitty cuddles, gonna go find Max now" moment almost simultaneously with remembering. It's given me a new ... appreciation? for the term cognitive dissonance. Wow.
Current plans are to do a thorough housecleaning and make a stab at decluttering as well, then start checking the shelters for adoptables. I'm hoping for a pair of youngish males, maybe brothers, to come live with me. Of course, I'll probably melt for every cat in the place and try to take them all home with me. And if it's a mixed shelter, all the dogs and bunnies and ferrets and guinea pigs and etc etc etc. I've never had a snake or a lizard, and it's been ages since I've had fish or birds....
Er, yeah. Animal lover here. Missing the fur (and feathers and scales and-) rather badly right now. And at the pace I'm setting for my housecleaning so far, I'll be lucky to be done by this time next year. *sigh* No, my pace will pick up once the initial forays start to show (inspirational) results.
Okay, bed time. Until later...
cross-posted etc etc
He was such a good cat.
Came home from the vet alone. (Well, LSO was with me.) I held him through the end, petting him and being there with him.
I'm still not ready to go into details. Just ... progression of what I've talked about the past few months.
Several of the vet techs came in to say good-bye to him - he'd charmed them all with his cooperativeness, friendliness, and gorgeous pet-able coat. The vet called him a great cat and noted how hard he'd fought against succumbing to his illness. And he really did fight, he held onto life so hard and was such a bright spirit.
He was sweet-tempered and strong-willed. So much not a lap-cat, he preferred to lay beside me - or on the ottoman between my feet if he wanted some cat-belly worship.
When my girl cats were still around, he took good care of them. He would jump in to play peace-maker when Piet would go after Gozzer. And he always made sure that I put out fresh food at the correct time (necessary since I'm kinda absent-minded), which he'd then taste before heading off to let them eat in peace before he'd come back for his portion.
He loved corn-on-the-cob and would demand his share when we had it. I once looked over a cob I was taking a bite out of to find a big pink kitty mouth diving in for a bite from the other side! I used to leave bits of corn on my cob, then put it in a big plate and set it on the floor for him to gnaw on. He would go after those corn cobs the way a dog goes after a big meaty bone. Often, he'd end up with one paw planted on the cob to hold it in place while he chewed and pulled corn from it.
He liked company when he ate, though we didn't really realize that until he became the only cat in the house since the company of another cat was enough. As he became ill and his appetite became a bit iffy, and because my kitchen isn't really set up as a place to hang out, he was thrilled that I started taking his bowl into the living room so he'd have company while he was eating.
He had a voracious/compulsive appetite for PLANTS. Not just actual living plants, but plants made from plastic, silk, paper, whatever! I remember LSO taking some flower arranging courses at the local community college many years ago. She'd stop down in my apartment (before heading upstairs to hers) to show me her latest classroom creation. She'd be standing in front of me talking about class while holding the arrangement, waving it around as she gestured to illustrate or emphasize her words. And Max would be poised at her feet, stretching up or crouching down, occasionally making a jump for it as the arrangement moved - and she'd be totally oblivious until I couldn't hold in the laughter anymore.
I also remember one Christmas soon after I'd moved back from Florida. I generally don't decorate for the holiday and LSO decided to hang a big (fake) poinsettia wreath on the inside of my big front picture window. And how we then both watched, with that horrified train-wreck-in-progress feeling, as Max climbed to one back corner of a living room chair and launched himself up towards the wreathe. And the middle of the picture window. And the sharp-edged metal radiator cover, with a six-inch gap between it and the windowsill, below. Oh. My. Gods!!! He (and the window and the wreathe) escaped unscathed, though he tried two more times before we could get the damned thing down. Once it was relocated to the outside of the window, though, he lost interest in it.
Then there was the abiding allure of the six foot tall bookcases in the dining room. Especially the one off by itself on the far side of the door from the other two. And the gut-wrenching sight of Max launching himself across the gap and, because of his size and the "snowshoe" fur sticking out between his paw pads, sliding across the top of the bookshelf until he crashed into the wall behind it (just before sliding off the other end). He liked to sleep up there for hours. He also liked to stretch out and twist onto his back in his sleep. Before he got the hang of it, there were several disturbing thump-crashes as he fell off.
He also owned me when I was in the bathroom. Especially when I was, er, specifically occupied. He would demand petting and lap time (the only time he demanded lap time) and brushing and spent a lot of time winding around my ankles/calves purring hysterically before falling asleep between my feet. When the girls were still around, he would chase them away if they showed any inclination to join us. And he wouldn't take a closed door for a do not enter/disturb. One time, my mom was trying to do something in my kitchen and he was writhing around on the floor in there trying to get some belly worship, so I walked into the bathroom and said "oh, hello Piet" (even though Piet was innocently sleeping on the other end of the house) and there was an audible *thump* as each end of him went a different way trying to get to his feet before he came running (suspiciously! possessively!) into the bathroom to protect his territory.
It hasn't even been 12 hours yet and I miss him fiercely. The apartment is packed full of bittersweet moments that, though they'll mellow with time to cherished memories, right now make me ache. He was such a good cat.
I want my kitty.
life as an onion : bracing for a good cry
I've been ... very absent from posting and comments. I have a really hard time being around people and/or communicating when I'm upset. That includes being around people online. I've done only a very little reading of the flist and a teeny-tiny bit of the commenting thing. I've been pretty darn upset lately.
Because Max is not doing well. There's been slow decline, small rallies, more slow decline, recent bursts of energy, and a good blood test result just yesterday. Then things just....
I'm hoping the vet can squeeze us in sometime tomorrow. I'm not sure if Max'll be coming home with us though. I don't know if this thing (skipping details cause I just can't get into it right now) is a minor thing, or if Max is giving me The Sign that it's his time.
He's such a good cat.
[cross-posted and all that]
my life as a wombat :: seriously, people!
If there is one piece of fannish wisdom that the fanfic-writing corner of fandom needs to forever take to heart, it's that your beta reader actually needs to know something about spelling, punctuation, and grammar. For instance, I can justify using the Oxford comma in the previous sentence but does your beta even know what an Oxford comma is?
This brief moment of snarkiness brought to you by my recent encounter with the following: This chapter has now been ebta'd by [name withheld]. For a moment, I found myself wondering, "what's an 'ebta'?!" before reason reasserted itself.
cross-posted and all that...
my life as a closet monster: sometimes ya just gotta
crossposted, et cetera
my life as a groundhog :: spring is here but it's hiding
Snow last week. Snow over the weekend. Snow expected again today. The word "accumulation" has been used. Again. Right now, it's kinda rain-y. *whingewhingewinge*
I am still around. Plans for more posting once more gang aft agley! An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain, Ah, well. There's always tomorrow. Which never comes. So maybe later today?
Max is doing better than expected. According to his blood tests, he's one sick kitty. According to his appetite and activity level and general behavior, he's absolutely *fine*. Just annoyed by all the medicine and sub-q fluids. Which really are only a few minutes each day and then he gets REAL CHICKEN, oooh!
LSO and I are both feeling the weather in our joints. Lots of creaking and groaning when we're up and moving. In a few minutes, though, I'll be leaving for the second iron infusion (of this set of iron infusions). Ironically, Max and I are now *both* anemic, albeit from different causes. LSO is not anemic but also is not feeling left out on this one.
Child Teeny-bopper Grrl continues to come over for visits and to play "indoor volley ball", aka let's try NOT to break Aunt JP's lamps *this* time. (Aunt JP would be me! *g*) Well, she was stuck at home for most of last month with that stubborn flu everybody came down with - except me and LSO, since we were kinda stuck in the house and not getting exposed to it - but now she's back. I was noticeably more peppy and active during her visit (as well as clearing space before and restoring clutter after), which I attribute to the first iron infusion. Yay!
Um ... gotta go get dressed and venture out into the it just started SNOWING weather. *weeps* It couldn't have held off for another, say, half hour? *grrr*
Hope y'all are doing well. I'm-a try to read the flist more. ::knock on wood:: Bye now.
my life as a sloth: pretties & messes
Today was a Bad Day in that I was grouchy and irritable and restless and depressed and Just Plain Blah. Therefore, I think I need a happy thought.
( Rodney. Rodney Rodney Rodney Rodney. Xander Xander Xander. Krrrrrrrrychek. Methos. Pony!!! )
Ah yes. *happy sigh* Yes, that did it nicely.
So, I gather there was an LJ outage of some sort today (aka Thursday)? I was reading fanfic, some of it on LJ, and never noticed. Hmm. So what happened?
I figured out what the problem was displaying those pictures (the previous background images thing) in my last post. I somehow had changed the settings to "private" over in my LJ Scrapbook, so they wouldn't display - except when *I* looked at my journal, which made me think it was working okay. While digging around to figure out the problem, though, I realized that I'd forgotten there was another background image that I'd used for a while, ( Reveries by Maxfield Parrish ).
Currently, I'm still using the really crude Windows Paint for all my image manipulation needs (backgrounds, icons, happy thoughts, etc). Someday, I'm going to have to break down and learn how to properly install and use The Gimp. It's been highly recommended by the flist, it's free, and I've downloaded it. It's just *sigh* sometimes I hit this invisible mental wall in my computer-puttering where I just can't "get" something. Eventually, something or someone gives me the boost I need and I'm over that (invisible mental) wall (and on to the next), but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe I just need to devote an afternoon to just slogging away at the FAQs and Help manuals (all online) and such.
Max, LSO and I are hanging in there. We're all involved in the Kat Torchure of giving Max his meds/fluids and it's kinda hard on all of us. LSO hasn't so much as gotten a scratch yet and she's not the one who has to shove a ginormous 2 inch needle into her dearly beloved baby boy, so she's just being a wuss. Max really doesn't like that needle, though, and I just can't blame him. He's due for another doctor visit soon, though, and maybe I can get some hints on improving my technique or using a different spot to stick him. I somehow doubt that he's gonna get taken off the sub-Q fluids, though. Also, I worry.
I've kinda decided to not bring a new kitty into the house yet. The place is a mess and needs a cleaning from top to bottom. I can mostly trust Max not to do stupid things with my piles of stuff, but a new cat is an unknown quantity. Spring Cleaning will be starting now-ish, though how long it will last is unknown. It depends on my health (currently okay but could be better) and fitness level (currently not so great, especially with the latest weather-related delay in starting PT) (which, okay, has been further delayed by a combination of procrastination, depression, and inertia). I'm tempted to say "if" Spring Cleaning is ever over, just from past experience with me, but I'm gonna hold onto hope instead and say *when* it's over. So, when Spring Cleaning is over, there will be new thoughts about new kitties. ::knock on (clean!) cat litter::
my life as a spinster: Happy Leap Day & Goddess bless Sadie Hawkins!
Tomorrow is February 29th, Leap Year Day, the day created to adjust the calendar so it kinda matches reality. One of the traditions that's grown up around Leap Year Day is that today is the day that it's "okay" for single girls to ask single guys out - or even propose. How shocking! Those forward hussies!!! [/sarcasm]
Sadie Hawkins Day, on the other hand, is a yearly event, but in my mind the two are inextricably entangled. Sadie Hawkins, fictitious icon (not the LJ kind) that she is, is kinda the matron saint/demi-goddess of spinsters. Since I identify as a spinster, rather proudly, in a "reclaiming of the term" kinda way (like how I also identify as a Witch), that means tomorrow is a once-every-four-years extra holy day (in addition to the Quarter & Cross-Quarter Days of the Neo-Pagan calendar) for me. Whee!!!
Anyway, I'm taking advantage of all this Adjustment/Leap Year/Spinsters-Run-Wild Day to actually make myself post something, thereby finishing out the month with more than one post (aka two posts). I may even post more before the month ends tomorrow! OMG the shock! How will our systems survive?! Though, wherever LJ's time is set from (Greenwich? elsewhere?) usually means that the new day (month) starts *hours* early.
I'm doing okay - not great, but okay. LSO has been feeling her age recently, but some of that is weather-related, too. And Max is hanging in there with style. The vet tells us that his latest blood test shows that his various test values are still of the scary (though there has been some very minor improvement), but you wouldn't know it to look at him. He sleeps a lot, yeah, and he doesn't play as much as he once did, but he is 14. He does still play and he still has those moments of Insane Cat Attack where he races around the house chasing Quantum Mice. And his appetite is fine. He's also particularly happy because his diet is still including lots of meat-style baby food, which is The Best Thing Ever according to every cat I've ever seen with it. He's still eating some dry and canned cat food, so the vet feels he's getting plenty of taurine (in case anyone besides me was worried).
He's now getting two liquid medicines and one-fourth of a Pepcid AC everyday, and the subcutaneous fluids approximately 2 out of 3 days. He REALLY!!!
doesn't like any of this, it's still definitely Kitty Hell Time - and also hell for His Highness's human servants. For all his age and his dicey blood values, Max is a BIG, STRONG cat, with big, strong back claws. After he caught me one day on the forearm with those big strong back claws, leaving two deep furrows of 8-9 inches each (which are still healing), I've started referring to him as Feline Krueger
. I - he - it's been rough on all three of us and there's no end in sight. At least he doesn't hold a grudge - as soon as he's let loose after a medicine/fluids session, he's fine and as affectionate as ever. Which is only slightly more openly affectionate than Lt Col John Sheppard; neither one does big emotional displays or excessive touching. *g*
OMG I am so ready for winter to be over!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fifty-plus inches of snow
here in the Chicago area. I've actually spent weeks semi-trapped in the house because we haven't been able to get through the ice blocking the garage door. Public transportation is a no-go because of my mobility issues (details of which I'll spare you unless there are requests for more info); cabs are a no-go because of cost. I haven't even been able to start my physical therapy because the mounds of snow and ice have given parking lots and walkways treacherous footing. I have long since passed Cabin Fever and am headed straight into gibbering wall-climbing (except not literally because of those mobility issues) insanity. I haven't even seen my shrink once during the entire month of February! ::curls into whimpery little ball of undifferentiated angst::
So I'm watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show and a few minutes ago she showed a video of Stacy Westfall
demonstrating her technique in reining
(think dressage for cowboys) - except she rides bareback
, except her horse is completely
, not just no saddle, but no bridle either. What an amazing sight! By the end of the video, I was torn between soul-wrenching envy and deeply-moved tears. Ellen hopes to have her as a guest on the show; she also commented that Stacy Westfall is the only woman who rides this way. Before you comment that you do/did as a kid, I think she meant "in competition" and the whole reining stuff.
I redecorated the LJ last week, from Alphonse Mucha to Arthur Rackham. Rackham's art is generally kinda wistful (even the Valkyries and Storm Giants look a teensy bit wistful in his Ring Cycle illustrations), but the illustration I chose for my coordinated background/default icon is more wistful than most - and fits my recent mood surprisingly well. Not that I'm so much wistful as I am ... thinky and contemplative, vaguely depressed (existentially depressed?), and occasionally zen-ish. With intermittent periods of Rodney McKay-esque irritation at the stupidity of my species.
The following cut-tags are (1) a test for seeing if the cut-tag thingee will work during a cross-post to other journal sites, and (2) a tour through previous background images I've used in my LJ. I keep thinking that there was another one, but I can't remember what it might've been. The last one is my new look; I've used the matching icon for this post.( background image #1 - La Dauce Vie by Francois Fressinier )( background image #2 - The Fairies and the Furry by Patricia Pierce-Phillips )( background image #3 - Mucha collage )( current background image/#4 - Feeling Very Undancey by Arthur Rackham )
So ... more later? Maybe even more today?
snowbound by proxy
We're not "really" snowbound, but all those mobility issues combine to make it just as good as. I'm definitely a bit cabin fever-ish right now. And overcome by irony as the physical therapy that's supposed to help those mobility issues has had to be postponed due to, well, mobility issues. *argh*
Max seems to be doing really well. He's bouncy and happy and busy and demanding and adorable. He's intermittently playful and even occasionally cuddly. Of course, he hates getting the subcutaneous fluids (every day), he hates his icky-tasting liquid vitamin supplement, and he hates getting a pill. Otherwise, things are good for him, lots of tasty meat-based baby food and other yummy things practically on demand. As to how he's doing medically, we'll find out sometime next week (as weather permits) after he gets a bloodwork recheck. If the weather is too obstructive, we'll have another vet home-visit, but we're hoping to avoid the expense if possible.
Tonight's new Supernatural. Yay. Hopefully they've moved on from their "let's be as offensive as possible to the pagans in the audience" kick and are back to simple misogyny. I ... still love this show, I just wish the writers et al would get some sensitivity training.
New Stargate Atlantis tomorrow night. YAY! If only the fandom could clear out the multiple strands of below-the-surface tension/wank that have been making my flist so tense lately. *sigh*
Ben's home from the hospital, yay, after a scary little cardiac moment. I haven't talked to him since he got home, so all I know at this point is what's in his journal. Oh - and that's he's an incredibly "cheap date" on a couple Ambien. I bet he doesn't even remember that phone call from the hospital....
That's all for now, I think. Got stuff to do before Cat Torture Time (aka the giving of subcutaneous fluids and meds).
recs - the continuing adventures of Xander Harris, AUs, crossovers
I was *gasp* reading my flist and saw amireal request some BtVS and/or AtS recs; these are the ones I pulled together and left in comments for her. Anyway, I've found these to be a lot of fun, especially some of the more offbeat crossovers. Some grammar-type glitches, especially at TtH. Some slight OOC (of the super-competent Xander variety), again especially at TtH, but mostly maturity and self-confidence that's been gained over time.
- Nothing the Same by orchidluv - BtVS AU starting with episode 1/Welcome to the Hellmouth: Xander has a much stronger reaction to the vamping & dusting of Jesse and is estranged from Willow. Then he meets Spike. No crossover. Slash: Spike/Xander. Extraordinary AU that explores many of the "arrgh! I can't believe they went there/didn't follow that up?!" issues that I and others have with canon. Quite possibly the best BtVS//Spike/Xander fic that you're not reading (going on the relatively low number of comments per installment). WHY aren't you reading this? Go Read This NOW!!! Did I mention that, even though Xander comes into conflict with the other Scoobies, and they screw up in all the ways you'd expect of Xander-less Scoobies, the story remains sympathetic to all and, while characters make mistakes and act out and there are consequences, it all evolves from circumstances and characters - there is no bashing.
- Nothing the Same II by occhidluv *WIP* - Sequel to Nothing the Same, continuing into 2nd (and 3rd?) season.
- Bridges 'verse by Tassos - Xander as a Watcher in charge of Cleveland. Xander's Real Family story. Crossover with Stargate SG1. BtVS/post-Chosen; SG1/sometime? Gen. Author's Summary: "After the collapse of Sunnydale, Jack gets a call about a woman he knew over twenty years ago...and the son he didn't know he had." One of the most popular stories on TtH for a reason. From first tentative contact through holiday visits to the inevitable crisis, the fragile relationship growing between Xander and Jack O'Neill is fraught with trust issues and enormous secrets the sharing of which could (and will) have far-reaching consequences. Putting Xander and Jack together is always a treat.
- Oh, The Places He Goes! by phouka - Xander as a roving Watcher. BtVS/post-Chosen. Multiple crossovers </a>Highlander; Big Trouble in Little China; Charmed; Dead Last; Disney's The Love Bug; CSI:Las Vegas; Tremors; Arrested Development; Evil Dead; Stargate SG1; Kevin Smith film'verse; House; Amityville Horror; Sliders; Dead Zone; Cheers; Due South; Cupid; Wonderfalls; The 4400; DrWho/Torchwood; Dead Like Me; Time Bandits; Fraggle Rock; others). Humor. Mostly gen; Xander/Dawn in later stories. Instead of going to Africa, Xander resumes his cross-country post-graduation road trip while searching out new Slayers (and Watchers and support staff). Lots of wonderful, insane, humorous, poignant encounters with crossover characters, lots of cameos by BtVS characters, both series regulars and the obscure.
- Shoveling by PaBurke - Xander as a Watcher in charge of Cleveland. Crossover with M*A*S*H. BtVS/post-Chosen. M*A*S*H/post-series. In this wonderful story, a retired Hawkeye Pierce finds himself living next to a very unusual school that seriously needs a doctor. There are cameos by various M*A*S*H characters and a growing friendship between Xander and Hawkeye in which each learns from the other.
- Father Goose 'Verse by litmouse - Xander as a roving Watcher teamed up with Faith. Multiple crossovers </a>Law & Order: SVU; Gilmore Girls; CSI: Las Vegas; Alias; Stargate SG1; other? Mostly gen, with het & slash pairings; Xander/Faith in later stories. Latest story is WIP. This is enormous fun and even if you don't know the crossover series (as I was totally ignorant of Alias beyond "Jennifer Garner plays a spy with family issues"), it's easy to follow. A large, sweeping, robust rollercoaster of an AU 'verse, with some wonderful original characters in supporting parts. While the series centers on Xander (and Faith), the POV is usually one or more crossover characters. And what could be more fun than watching Xander (in a minor subplot) try to recruit new Watchers and support staff from the casts of the various crossovers. (Irina Derevko as a Watcher?!) Or Lt Col Dr Samantha Carter, USAF, trying to explain vampires and magic to her own rigorous scientific standards. There's comedy gold here if you love any of these canons - and also wild adventure and more than a bit of angst.
- Trick Or Treat by Kei - Xander as a Watcher in Cleveland. Crossover with Stargate SG1. BtVS/post-Chosen. SG1/sometime? Gen. Author's Summary: "An escaped Goa'uld, and rather sadistic Powers to Be, bring Xander out of the dubious security of his quaint little demon filled world, and into a not so quaint alien filled star system." As mentioned above, Xander and Jack together is always a treat. This is a very long story and there's a brief bit (couple chapters) near the end where I felt the author briefly lost the plot (got carried away), but gets back on track for the ending. Another extremely popular story at TtH.
Now, I have a request. If you go and read these recs, please let me know? It will encourage me to do this again. And I'm also curious about what other people think of these stories, so consider including a note about your reaction to the story(ies) you read.
::crosses fingers that I finally caught all the typos::
my life as a pet rock: quick Max update
He's active and sassy and happily eating his new mixture of canned cat food and baby food with the attitude of "what took you so long to figure this out".
On the other hand, medications are still happening. He's still getting subcutaneous fluids, daily now, and a couple liquid meds, and the 1/4th of a Pepcid AC pill. Some of this will end when the bottles are empty - some may be from now on.
The big problem is that, even as his routine and activities are back to normal, his blood work isn't showing improvement. There's concern about the indications of progressive kidney disease, something that's to be expected with older cats yet not inevitable. It's still possible to improve things, though, so keep those prayers and healing vibes and spells and whatever coming if you can and are inclined.
Yeah, more later. Gotta go get ready to see my shrink and wibble about my baby.